So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
