ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
