its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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