i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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