Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
