I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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