i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
