What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
