Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
