The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
