Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
