i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am one with the molecules
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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