I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
