I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Vodka?
Forever.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
