he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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