Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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