Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
