Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
