i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
