hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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