the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
