just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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