Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
