that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
