so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
