We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
