we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
