i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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