He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
