he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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