I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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