I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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