I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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