here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
