he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I looked at my own cervix.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
