I can tuck mytits in my pants
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
