i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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