I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
