bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
