we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
