It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
