I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
