I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm like, not good at living.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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