final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
