i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I forget how to act sober
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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