I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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