Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
