Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
