just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
