when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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