At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize