New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
