Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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