I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
