I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
