Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
